just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
