I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
