i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
