Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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