Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
