9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm both gender and math confused
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
