I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
