You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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