we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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