Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
