Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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