Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
