I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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