Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
