I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
