i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
