he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I take back everything I said about communal showers
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
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