If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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