he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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