Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
