if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
