and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
