You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
