Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
