so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I still have a little drunk in my system
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
