dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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