you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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