If i come over, it means nothing
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
