I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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