I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
