Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
