I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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