I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
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Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
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I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.