I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.