did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
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What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
We have started to decorate penises.
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He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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