I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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