I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Randomize
