No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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