Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
