I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
