I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Actions speak louder than pants.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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