I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
