Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
How does one acquire holy water?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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