Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
