I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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