The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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