it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
