You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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