I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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