It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
