It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
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she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
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My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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