btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
