I wannas sexs uuuuu
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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