On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Who died my cat blue again?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
