It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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