I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
