I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
