I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
