I think scott just propositioned me for sex
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
