i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
