Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
