dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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