This is not my ceiling
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
