so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
