if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
