i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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